Funny Fortunes
Aqarius (Jan 20th - Feb 18th)
Aquarius is also known as the Waterbearer. That's right, you guys are the waterboys of the astrological world. Especially this week when you're forced on the sidelines – of the football game of romance. You'll have an important job, too; you'll be supplying your friends with refreshing and cooling insight, one sip at a time. But your life will be less like the Adam Sandler film, and more like the Sean Astin movie, “Rudy,” where the bench-warmer gets a surprise last-minute chance to prove himself on the gridiron. By the way, I know that football is not at all a good metaphor for romance, but sometimes that's what the stars dictate.
Pisces (Feb 19th - March 20th)
If Pisces were any more open-minded, your brains would fall out. But what happens when you leave your porch door open too long? All kinds of creepy creatures come in, eating out of your garbage and knocking things over. Same goes for your mind; leave it open too long, and people will start inserting all kinds of wild ideas in there – the belief that aliens visited Earth long ago and taught Egyptians how to build the Pentagon, for example. That would be a wrong idea. Everyone knows the aliens helped the Egyptians build the Suez Canal. This week, install a screen door for your mind – it will keep the mental gnats from bugging you too much.
Aries (March 21st - April 19th)
Though you're weary, there's a long road ahead of you, and though there are many twists and turns and rest areas with McDonalds' to tempt you to pull over, you know that if you have precious little time to waste on the Motel 6s of Temptation, for your path is almost as long and convoluted as this metaphor. I guess I'm saying that this week you can either be relaxed, or happy, but not both. You can't have your cake and sit down to eat it, but you can pull into a Drive-Thru and get it to go.
Taurus (April 20th - May 20th)
The last few weeks, Taurus has seen more breakdowns than a Russian Army tank driver. You're ready to break more bad habits than the seamstress in a nunnery, and you're being thrown more curves than Johnny Bench. The famous catcher. It seems that everyone around you sees something special in you, but you can't see it in yourself. Maybe you should stop using your mental magnifying mirror to spot your flaws, and use it to see your strengths, because you've got more of those than a bodybuilders' convention.
Gemini (May 21st - June 20th)
Whatever you are doing, you should stop at once. Due to an unexpected alignment of stars in Alpha Centauri, your life no longer has any meaning. Don't worry. This is the best thing that could happen to a person, and, for the double-dealing duality of the Gemini, it's twice as good. But while that's good, it gets even better. Yes, you can finally forget about all those things that you've been meaning to do. So let the laundry sit still, leave the dishes in the sink, and enjoy the fact that you're gross negligence and self-indulgent indolence is nothing to be ashamed of. After all, it's written in the stars.
Cancer (June 21st - July 22nd)
You've been holding a grudge harder than a pit bull grabs onto a raw steak. And though it's good that you won't let someone get the upper hand, this may be the person who will eventually be able to give you a hand up. What's a stubborn Water sign to do? Admit you're wrong? As Confucious very well might have said, “When you wet the bed, just go with the flow.” He probably didn't say that, but he very well could have.
Leo (July 23rd - Aug 22nd)
There is no need to watch your diet this month. The moons of Saturn are in a tug-of-war with the moons of Jupiter, allowing you to eat whatever you want without gaining an ounce. This astrological weight loss phenomenon will only be good for 353 years. So take advantage of the calorie immunity now, and be sure to return to your normal dietary patterns before the 25th century. For those Leos who need to renew their licenses this week, you should expect to see a long line of people at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Virgo (Aug 23rd - Sept 22nd)
The Virgo Cluster of Galaxies was discovered by Charles Messier in the 1700s. Get bodychecked by hockey player Mark Messier, and you'll be seeing lots of stars, too. The battle between the physical and the intellectual is being waged inside of you this week, Virgo. It's like an internal “Revenge of the Nerds” movie, with you as the dumb jock AND “Booger.” However, as “ROTN”'s climax pointed out, “Nerds make the best lovers, because they spend so much time thinking about it.” Which means that this week, you reconcile the two halves to make the perfect intellectual/physical combo.
Libra (Sept 23rd - Oct 22nd)
Although you have been in quite a slump the past few weeks, get ready to jump on the Love Train. As strange as it may seem, your love life will be given a jump-start that might not stop due to the increasing level of global warming. You see, there is a silver lining to toxic pollutants! And you're the one who's going to reap the benefits. Also, high levels of acidic water falling in the Brazilian rain forests is sure to make your job a better paying one anytime so. Can it get any better? Maybe you should start a forest fire and find out.
Scorpio (Oct. 23rd - Nov 21st)
Why do we say that someone “caught” a cold? It makes it sound like they were chasing that sickness down the street, yelling, “Come back here, dangit! My sinuses don't feel completely stuffed with cotton yet!” Just imagine, two guys in a truck with butterfly nets, cruising down the street, ready to catch stray colds and flus. This week, Scorpio will be hunting down their flaws and weaknesses. When you catch them, don't kill them, make an effort to understand them. After all, your flaws are a part of you, too.
Sagittaius (Nov 22nd - Dec 21st)
Click Here for your best course of action this week.
Capricorn (Dec 22nd - Jan 19th)
As my boyz from da hood would say, “I'm ‘bout to bust a Capricorn in dat azz!” That's right, Cappy, this week you're bad. You're bad, you know it. You're sharp and on point, and ready to fire like a bullet from the barrel of a nine. Don't get trigger-happy, though, because that's the kind of thing that can blow up in your face. Your gang colors are bound to be plaid and paisley, so don't be surprised if people don't take you so seriously.